Anxiously Envious

Envy is a normal feeling, we have all experienced it at some point in our lives, one way or another, no matter how little we try to quantify it. As humans we are bound to be envious but how we transmute this feeling is what defines us and sets us apart from the different emotions that come with the insecurities and fear called ENVY.

While my 2020 didn’t go as I planned or envision it to be, some of my friends and people I look up to were having the time of their life doing what they love and are passionate about. As I scroll through social media, I see the opportunities that have come their way this year and how they have persevered against all odds. ‘God When?’ I exhale when I see them posting about their achievements and opportunities. I begin to compare myself to them as if our journeys are one and the same. When this feeling hits I start to shuffle between the past and the future. The past, which was filled with amazing opportunities that I experienced and a budding career then to the future where I have envisioned myself to be and working tirelessly to achieve the goals that will help me get to where I want to be.

As the feeling of envy lingers, I am reminded that I don’t want exactly what others have. It is their moment, it is their opportunities, they have worked day and night to get to this point with struggles and challenges they never posted on their social media. They walked their own path. While I was at the top of my career my journey was exclusive to me. Persons A and B are working on their own paths, manifesting the life they want. Am I really envious? I ask myself… Then the feelings of anxiety kick in with the clear picture that I want the future that I have always dreamed of and the goals that I have set for myself and not anyone else’s goals and journey of perseverance, no matter how admirable they seem.

I celebrate my friends and acquaintances wins like my own. They have done something right, they have paved the way for me to get to where I want to be, making the journey easier for others that are coming behind. If persons A and B can do it, so can I. However, I may not be walking through my journey the way persons A and B have walked through theirs. Our challenges and struggles are different. When I realize this, I stop comparing myself to A and B as those comparisons diminish one’s light and discard one’s journey and efforts, the efforts that have been put into where one is today.

While I anxiously put in the work on my own journey by staying in the present and giving my best efforts. I anticipate the future, accomplishing my goals and visions. Appreciating those who are acing it and letting myself know it is possible to achieve all that I want and more.